Tuesday, 15 October 2024

Deconstruction

i
The world is mostly safe and kind –
Clean your teeth, work hard, be good,
Polite, on time, and you will find
That life rewards you as it should. 
Don’t fear the ones who break the law –
They’re far from here, locked up in jails.
Be good, be kind and we’ll make sure
That monsters stay in fairy tales. 

Then
       suddenly 
    everything changed. 

Parents’ faces lined with doubt;
    anxious warnings:

Come straight home. 
Stay away from the woods. 
Don’t talk to strangers. 

Why?
    What had stolen 
         the joy from simple life?

In time the panic faded. 
Life returned
   only a little less
       carefree,
       safe. 

Years later we learned 
   of children taken,
      horror upon horror. 
Of Brady, full of lies,
   of Hindley staring cold ahead,
and understood a little of
   our parents’ fears. 

ii

The Christian group was fun. 
Prizes given for various games;
a leather-clad Bible my reward
for memorising 66 strange names. 

The leader, with his sleek 2-seater car,
conkers in woods nearby,
girls in the group that caught
my adolescent eye. 

The stories were great:
the broken roof,
the children blessed,
the punning fun
of publicans and paralytics. 

For months we went,
my brother and I,
until the stories grew darker,
and I quaked and sobbed at night
afraid that I was bound for hell. 

My mother wisely 
banned us from the group.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

H.D.: a reminiscence

(okay, so this is a spoof — I don't write like this, but googling Max Gate should tell you who did. Then work out what the more familiar version of HD's story is called.)

I

I sat on the wall looking out -
Ah! Thirty years ago!
O'er man-unweeting worms which crawled
Through moss-marauded lawns, where sprawled
The sun-bespeckled shadows of an oak:
A giant, as yet time-unstunted tree.
Ah! Thirty years ago!

II

Well: while on that wall I sat out -
Ah! Thirty years ago!
Across the meads a soldier called
To comrades, who, Spring-merry, brawled
Or boozed. 'Oy! Who's that March-mad perching bloke
Atop yon weathered wall?' They turned to see,
Ah! Thirty years ago!

III

Surprised - as the soldier his shout
(Ah! Thirty years ago!)
He with unwoeworn wonder bawled -
I fell, grip-gone, fetching appalled
And pain-bewracked below. A lone cloud's cloak
Of grey soon hid the sun. Rain dripped on me.
Ah! Thirty years ago!

IV

The soldiers then gathered about,
Ah! Thirty years ago!
One, hope-bereft, head-shaking, drawled;
As cold rain fell from the cloud that shawled
The dying sun, he leaned against the oak,
And: 'Sorry mate. Can't help you,' said to me.
Ah! Thirty years ago!

V

With that the young soldiers went out -
Ah! Thirty years ago!
And still I haunt that garden walled,
By thirty Novembers mugged and mauled;
Cursing the worm-forsaken lawns which broke
My back, beneath the now storm-stunted tree,
Ah! Thirty years ago!

Max Gate, October 8, 1994

the nth dimension

i)

Our starting point: a cosy huddle
where Euclid's three friends commune with each other.
Wrapped up in themselves like a great ball of wool
soft and round, with nowhere to go.
Hearing and seeing and speaking no evil,
for evil needs time to hatch its plots
and time as yet still sleeps.
Three friends, and yet not three
but one, as yet undivided.

ii)

Who said Time is the fourth dimension?
Let's say time is the space in which they grow,
the abyss into which they fall.

iii)

It starts with an arrow, trailing a thread,
unravelling the ball, and piercing the heart
of darkness indivisible. How long, O Lord,
how long before the arrow finds a mark,
crossing the continents on a straight iron road,
light-speeding towards the stars?
The pioneer's arrow, a shot in the dark,
a radius implying a sphere.
But that must wait.

iv)

Add perpendicular height to width
and pictures form: our first fictions.
With flat-eyed models we fool ourselves,
imagining we've captured the world.
Hollow men scratched on a cave wall spear
a doomed and reering hollow beast.
Four crossed squares within a square,
and a triangle on top pretend a house
but with no creaking, peeling walls,
no hidden garden of delights,
no smell of bread or baby's wail –
the picture barely paints one word.

Or let the frame fall flat:
and boundaries are born.
The wagon train stops and looks around,
finds a plot of land to settle.
Fields are enclosed, hedged in with lines,
and we learn our first lessons in theft.
My property, my land. Look! the map cannot lie,
the map that lies flat and directs the ordnance,
the troops who chart and invade and conquer.

v)

Let the mind allow another right angle,
and the flat-bellied map grows big with child,
a globe that glows with life.
Deep waters hide a million forms
that swirl and sway in a million currents.
On land, a man stands tall, imagines
him master of all he surveys.
The swaying curve of a woman's hips,
the sinuous slalom of haughty cats,
movement, growth, decay -
all is beyond his foolish grasp, yet still
he charts and plots.
His eternal right-angles condemn him
to meet with other souls only at the corners,
the lonely interstices of
his barren, criss-crossing matrix.

vi)

What is the next dimension? Is it sound
and taste and smell, senses that cut
across the cold geometry of a plotting mind?
The smell of tar and lavender recalls
a morning walk along a quiet street.
A tune with dying fall restores to life
a gentler, playful, growing time.
Fanciful, unmathematical, I know,
yet reaching places where vectors cannot go.

vii)

And then the mathematicians' torment:
to turn another ninety mad degrees.
x, y and z: my head can get round that,
but what comes next? Try as I might
my alphabet gives out; I cannot twist
the space within my head a further turn.

And yet to chart the infinite mysteries
they add to space and time some seven more
existing nowhere, yet as real as love
or death. With arcane formulae they soar
beyond my feeble fancy's universe. I,
imagining myself at root elsewhere,
not real within their epic symphony
must seek an nth dimension.

viii)

Soul and body have bounds, even to lovers;
bounded by vicissitudes of life
that limit who we meet, and where, and when,
and ultimately bounded by a sleep.
Yet spirit soars away, refusing trails,
lofted by strains and scents of angels
glimpsed in time and space but dwelling elsewhere,
nowhere. The unbegun rumour spreads and taunts;
the shadow glimpsed in the mirror's reflection
teases the mind to turn again and seek
another direction, another home,
faire and farre beyond all telling.

18/2/2004

Passion

I brought them the kingdom, invited them in;
And some came along, and some chose to stay.
I preached and I healed and I freed them from sin,
But now it is time that I go on my way.
I must set my face for Jerusalem,
Though they still don't know who I really am.

O Peter: I called you, and you followed me,
So forward and brave, so honest and true,
But oh, will you wish you had stayed by the sea
When you find what my way has in store for you?
Peter - so sure that you're always right -
Just wait till the cock crows late in the night.

You said, 'You're the Christ,' but you wouldn't stop there;
You couldn't believe I must suffer and die.
I had to rebuke you, to show that I care:
I can't let you live with that comfortable lie.
So I'll walk to Jerusalem just for you;
I love you too much not to see it through.

O Mary, your demons tormented you so,
So I cast them away, and I healed your pain,
And now you are filled with love through and through -
Oh, how can I let you face torment again?
Yet I must make my way to Jerusalem,
And allow you to see who I really am.

You'll live through grief, and do what you must do -
While others flee, you will still bear the pain;
And the empty tomb will torment you anew,
Till a voice says, 'Mary,' and you live again.
But for now, to Jerusalem I must go
With no regrets, for I love you so.

O Father, why must I drink this cup?
Is there no other way that I could go?
To raise them to heaven, must they lift me up?
But if it's your will, then it will be so.
My God, must you forsake me too?
For love of them all I will see it through.

Their wrath, not yours, must run its course;
Your heart will break, but you'll let them be.
I'll drink till their pride has spent its force;
I'll drink bitter pain till my death sets them free.
My God, they forsake us, yet we stay true,
For love of them all we will see it through.

The dance

Sad reflections after watching some friends

Imagine us moving around in a dance,
a dance that could only be danced by us two:
a dance that is crafty and steady and slow,
where the aim is to torture without using force.

Manoeuvring slowly, attentive and sly,
observing each other a few feet apart,
not touching but watching, responding with hate:
my partner, my loved and my loathed enemy.

The dance-floor, the battlefield, scene of our pain:
I try to gain ground and to break your defence
and you try to outflank me, to block my advance,
so in horrible patterns the dancing goes on.

Afraid that to yield would mean being destroyed
we each keep pretending the other's to blame;
we want to break free, not to pace out our doom
like prisoners pointlessly circling the yard.

When neither will stop or will hold out a hand
and both claim they never put fuel on the fire
which burns up their time in a hell of despair,
then how can the hated dance come to an end?

But for you

For the country of my birth I'd give
two and a half wry cheers -
for castles comfortably retired from war,
welcoming England's grandchildren
with gap-toothed walls and safety rails,
with project sheets and glass displays,
while resting out their stony twilight days
in peaceful shires.

But for you
I'd give the slivered sunlight breaking through the boughs
of birch and oak and hawthorn on steep hills
that tower above and scramble headlong down
to catch the river's flash of white: its falling roar,
and seaward rush, rock-leaping splash
and dancing joy of silver green
where waters meet.

For my old school I'd give a grudging cheque
lukewarmed by memories of ties and caps,
the musty trains, tweaked ears and chattering;
the masters desperate to twist and fill
the indifferent back-row boys, who scratched
yet more unsightly insults on the desks;
the dusty rubber balls that smelled of smoke,
thwacked with slapping hands against brick walls;
the break time friends.

But for you, my love,
I'd give the songs whose key unlocks my soul.
Naive Rodolfo taking Mimi's hand,
their springtime love, the lily and the rose,
the voices, soaring, dying out: 'Amor.'
Or Dylan tearing folk apart, with gleeful scorn
then laying down the assassin's pen to show
the emptiness inside, or love-sick joy,
where pain meets ecstasy.

For one who hangs upon a tree I give
and give a yearning, puzzled quest for faith;
intense and barely comprehending thanks
for gifts, his staggering gifts of pilgrim friends -
I never knew my heart could hold such love -
and for his passion beyond flesh and world
and yet infusing all, from quantum glue
to soil and sweat and dew and stars and time
and lacerating nails.

But for you, my own, I give
my body's love.
My pulsing blood, encircling arms, delight
in hair and breast and hips and probing lips;
and tender hugs, and cups of tea, and all
my faltering, well-meant words and kindnesses;
my utter undeserving love,
where soul meets soul.

Tomorrow's World

Procrastimonsters lie in wait
to prey on the unwary;
some are huge and fierce and bald
and some are small and hairy.

Fair Webgirl woke and stretched and yawned,
the sun shone on the bed:
'What is my first task for today?
Go back to sleep!' she said.

But as she dozed, procrastimon-
sters, gaining strength and health,
stuffed with sloth and guilt and dread,
grew fat with fungal stealth.

She rose and breakfasted, which set
monstrous antennae twitchin';
a cereal-killing ogre vowed
she'd not tidy the kitchen.

Teleprocrastipathic rays
from shelf and frigidaire,
sucked her good intentions down
the plug-hole of despair.

Ah, well, she thought, the day has come
to get that letter written.
No sooner had that thought arrived, than
oh! Webgirl was bitten!

A slimy, sly, procrastisnake
had settled by her ear;
she sensed its wily, whispered words:
'Yes, start that soon, my dear.

And sure, some soothing music too
will set the mood, you'll find,
and then some milky tea, you'll see,
will help to calm your mind.

Don't start to work, my dear, with prep-
arations incomplete;
first clear the room, and hoover round,
and make the desktop neat.'

The room was swept, the tea was made,
the music played, not loudly;
the desk was neat, the paper straight,
and Webgirl sat there proudly.

The snake, whose scheme was sinking fast,
called out for swift support:
a fierce procrastibogle sent
the girl a guilty thought.

'It's been too long, you can't write now,'
the goblin grim exclaimed.
'How could you let him down so long -
I trust you are ashamed!'

'Enough!' she sighed. 'No more!' she cried.
'Begone, you cretins you!
Be off and bother someone else,
this girl's got work to do.'

With that she lifted pen and wrote
a letter clear and polite,
and soon her tidy kitchen shone -
orderly, clean and bright.

The monsters gone, she danced for joy:
'I'll throw a party, too.
Let's see - today? Tomorrow? Hm -
I expect next week will do.'

Procrastimonsters lie in wait
to prey on the unwary;
but when you look them in the face,
they don't seem half so scary.

2001